Column: How to write good hate mail
I love hate mail. But I have to be honest; some of you really need to brush up on your libel.
Take, for instance, a recent e-mail. The reader was quite indignant with respect to the column about my friend, whose morning with her children was ruined by a criticizing old biddy. But her comments fell short, mostly because she didn’t know how to write a decent critique. Luckily, I’ve developed this Guide to Good Hate Mail.
1. Read the column. Thoroughly. The aforementioned hater spoke at length about how poorly I had handled the situation because of my obvious lack of self-confidence, but I actually wasn’t even there. The article was about a friend’s experience. Come on now! If you’re going to use my own words against me, at least get the facts straight!
2. Play the religion card. Even though you know nothing of my faith, when you write, “You are clearly not a Christian, which might be the root of your unhappiness . . .” you can be sure I’ll take notice. Sure, it might not have the desired response (Doo and I enjoyed a wonderful laugh at that one), but you’ll certainly gain my attention. And never underestimate the impact of a well-placed Scripture passage. My favorite is John 8:7. Learn it. Love it. Use it.
3. Question my parenting. So what if you’ve never actually met me or my husband or any of my kids. You read my columns, right? We’re as good as sisters, then, making you perfectly qualified to pass judgment. Have fun! Give unsolicited advice, badmouth my children, suggest therapy and spiritual healing (a Bible verse would fit nicely here). Or just cut to the chase and tell me I’m a terrible mother. I appreciate brevity in my hate mail as I have an enormity of selfish needs to see to above those of my family.
4. Go on and on about what an awesome spouse, parent, sibling, friend, PTO volunteer, church-goer, and eater of organic foods you are. My life is miserable, and I long to be as awesome as you! Remember, I have low self-confidence and am going to Hell, so any awesome thing you can say to help me change my ways would be simply awesome.
5. Use synonyms. When I see the word “awesome” written repeatedly, you lose respect as a writer and a hater.
Next time you feel compelled to send hate mail, please consult this guide. It’ll make my reading so much more enjoyable! Peace out.